Just the other day, my mother went to tell me about someone else’s personal business. I instantly rejected the conversation about a relative who feels the need to share with my mom all the ins and outs of her relationship. From her sex life to money matters; to the hottest topic to land on this week’s quibble-table — she divulges everything. It’s no wonder her relationship is mostly miserable, and that she’s whining on the other end of my mother’s phone every other week. They were right, those people who said that there is No Honor Among Thieves.
It might sound a bit dramatic, but spilling your guts about someone you love in such a personal way is a bit like theft — Trust-theft.
Sure, every now and then we might need to talk to someone about our personal lives and relationships, we may even be tempted to vent. But doing so can be harmful and hurtful to the one you love. I mean, unless you are experiencing a major issue or crisis in your relationship, rarely can anything good come out of others sticking their nose into your business.
Right? Our relationships, feelings and love are about as personal as our business gets. Here are five things I think you should never share about someone you love and the reasons why it’s better to keep your mouth shut:
Private messages are exactly what the name implies; private. Whether it be emails, text messages or personal messages via social media or any other means, if the message was meant for you, keep it that way.
The above-mentioned messages are still considered conversations between two people. When I send a personal message to my partner, I do so in confidence and trust that he won’t air it to his best friend and vice-versa. The same rings true for any personal message I send to those in my life.
Whether the message is romantic and intimate or a little on the nasty side following a disagreement, the correspondence between you and the person you love makes for building trust and intimacy within your relationship.
So, that means sharing the content of text messages and private emails is a fast way to destroy what intimacy you’ve got going on between you. You don’t want your partner to think every single conversation you have is going to be open to everyone, and I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be mortified too.
And as For Those Grudge-Messages . . .
Don’t be one of those people who hold onto messages to use as future ammunition against your mate after you’ve broadcasted the contents to your friends. Remember that relative who I mentioned earlier? She has a backlog of these waiting to strike when her man aggravates her. It’s a bit like gathering spears of poison to inject into your life.
It is unhealthy for your relationship because collecting and/or copying those messages for a future throw-back is grudge-holding behavior that will slowly kill the trust between you.
Here’s what Nathan Feiles from Psyche Central has to say about it:
“Grudges are essentially an emotional process that becomes stuck and unable to move forward. As a result, people who hold grudges are often in a state of mental and emotional distress. So much energy is focused on negative and spiteful feelings that it overtakes the relationship altogether.”
Everyone loses when a grudge is held. Let it go and seek ways to loosen any emotional grudge-holding patterns your behavior reinforces — which may mean working on the communication in your relationship or finding a skilled therapist to help you move forward.
Yes, keep your mouth shut about cheating.
If either of you commits infidelity, keep the dirty laundry in the dirty laundry basket and clean it up yourself. I know, it’s natural to want to cry on someone’s shoulder and seek those who will support our position when we get hurt, only the fewer players involved in this game, the better.
If you really need to talk to someone, it’s best to seek support in the form of a professional therapist during these delicate situations and not your immediate circle.
Because it is your relationship and your decision about whether it is worth fighting for or not — and not best friend’s or your mother’s. A professional therapist has the unbiased skill set to help you heal from the betrayal, while those close to you may do more harm than good because their feelings will be influenced by their connection to you.
People are people and none of us are perfect. A large part of being human is learning and growing from our mistakes, as well as our ability to forgive. The same holds true in knowing when to walk away from someone and realizing its time to begin something new.
Only you know what’s best for yourself and no one really understands the dynamics happening in your relationship. Also, if you do stay together, you risk tainting your friend’s or family’s perception of your partner — or yourself if you were the one to stray.
Your Sex Life
I used to have a friend who enjoyed talking about the nitty gritty’s of her sex life. So much so, that I’d almost feel as if I was involved in a threesome. Almost. I found myself redirecting the conversation a lot of the time because I felt awkward knowing intimate things about a man with whom I wasn’t involved.
Broadcasting the details of what happens in your bedroom makes your intimacy a group activity — where you’re having sex, how often you have it or don’t have it, your partner’s sexual fantasies and delicious little kinks — all of that raunchy intimate stuff should be kept between you and your mate; and maybe your sheets.
Because sex is the greatest expression of love that two people can share; in body and in spirit. Making love to someone is the physical representation of your complete union. It is the ultimate language of love that should not be compromised by becoming someone else’s entertainment or fantasy.
Sex is love without limits.
Consider this statement from Deborah Anapol Ph.D.,
“Sex is sacred because of its role in bonding. Mutually satisfying sexual exchanges naturally intensify bonding … Sex opens the heart only if we bring the energy up … the awakening all of the senses, tuning in to subtle energy, letting go of judgment and blame, expressing gratitude for the gift of life, and savoring the present moment are wonderfully supportive tools for intimate relating.”
Lovemaking essentially creates intimate fusion, reaching deep and soul-sacred levels. Don’t kiss and tell that kind of stuff — speaking it out loud to others somehow betrays the reconciliation of energies; and sharing those beautiful experiences will spoil the union.
If, on the other hand, you’re having problems in the bedroom, discuss it with your partner. Otherwise, speak with a therapist who can help you figure out why you’re having these issues.
Your Lover’s Secrets
“Trust is easy to lose and hard to get back.”
— Kristie Overstreet
Your mate loves you. Trusts you. You might be the only person in the world who sees every part of them; you are their soft landing place in an uncertain world brimming with strangers. Throughout our lives, we experience very few people with whom we give our trust enough to share our inner-most thoughts and feelings.
So, don’t betray that precious trust.
Trust is at the core of any relationship. Without it, we have little foundation on which to build a great bond with the person we love.
If your mate tells you something confidential, keep your mouth zipped.
Whether it is a buried skeleton in their closet, a long-held secret burden or deep insecurity — if your partner has chosen to confide in you, it is super important to maintain their confidence.
We all have skeletons in our closets. Well, most of us.
When your mate tells you something deep about themselves, breaking their trust is not only disrespectful but will undermine their ability to trust you if they ever find out. The other thing about it is that blabbering your partner’s secrets to your friends will cause weirdness between them and your partner.
Then, of course, the inevitable will happen — you’ll end up feeling crappy for it. We do receive the same kind of energy we put out into the universe.
People talk all the time. We are so busy talking and posting the latest on social media that we can easily become disconnected from what’s real or oblivious to the feelings of others.
We forget discretion is a virtue. And we don’t always remember how to hold our truest connections in esteem.
At the end of the day, your relationship, feelings and the way you want to love someone is nobody else’s damned business.
There is No Honor Among Thieves.
Originally published by P.S I Love You on Medium.