“Everyone wants to be sexy.” — Brad Goreski
There was a time when all it took for me to feel sexy was hearing Prince singing Erotic City. These days? I need killer eye contact with a man who smells like a summer storm and who can make me laugh until my panties slide south. Nothing is sexier than a devilish sense of humor. It demonstrates intelligence, imagination and confidence.
When my husband and I were first dating, he had sexy nailed like a rock star. He possessed all of the above-mentioned qualities and more — he spoke fluently in two foreign languages, cooked like a demon and danced like Justin Timberlake. He exuded sex appeal and he knew it.
He thought I was pretty sexy too.
During those early months of our relationship, he would sometimes fix his stare on me, give a throaty rumble and tell me that I was sexy. The comment always induced laughter followed by an unstoppable blush — I didn’t always feel like a sexy woman, though he always saw “sexy” in me.
In a Psychology Today article, Aaron Ben Zeev says: “The perceiver’s attitude and the possible interactions are very important. Being described as sexy can be flattering if you are attracted to the person saying it; if not, it can be perceived as an insult.”
Hmm … Interesting.
I don’t know about you, but when someone describes me as sexy, I definitely take it as a compliment. The fact that my husband found me sexy when we first met and expressed as much may have caused me to blush, but it did wonders for our evolving relationship.
Being told that I was sexy made me feel sexier on the inside — confident, smarter and funnier. Which in turn spilled over into the bedroom. Ours was an intensely passionate start and expressing our appreciation for each other played a big role in keeping the desire burning.
Compliments are like little gifts of magic. When we receive a compliment, it means someone is noticing our positive qualities and is grateful enough to let us know. Similarly, giving someone a compliment has a positive effect on us in a very powerful way — like an amplified bounce-back of positivity.
But when we describe a woman as sexy, what do we really mean?
In truth, sexy can mean different things to men and women. While the origin of the word suggests sexual, there are further distinctions which may get lost in translation that may make it difficult to clarify contrasting realities.
In their article What Does Sexy Mean? Man+Woman Magazine say:
“The problem is this — the word ‘sexy’ gets used to mean two quite different realities. The first is simpler to identify. It is the overtly sexual meaning. It is easier to identify because it is measured against the reality of men’s sexual arousal.
The second is harder to define, but it can be identified by a different intention. Its intention is not to provoke a sexual response but to draw men’s attention to the distinctive attractiveness of the feminine in a way that remains in the realm of the emotional rather than having a physical effect.”
So, it seems that in practice this second meaning is what women nearly always mean when they say “sexy”, and that in general men mostly do too. Which suggests that finding someone sexy is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.
Years later, and whether it be in the first morning light or the last moments of an evening and clad in a thick robe making tea — dark circles under my eyes, weariness creeping in my joints, my husband often still does the same thing — the throaty rumble followed by the comment, “You’re a sexy woman.”
I still laugh, only now I am pretty sure he is crazy. I definitely don’t feel sexy in those moments and yet, he argues the opposite to be true. Somehow, he still sees in me the “sexy” woman he met over a decade ago, regardless of whether I have make-up on, hair done or dressed to kill.
A fact that reinforces everything we know about love, beauty and sexiness — the truth barely scratches the surface.
Every woman has something special hidden inside of her — every woman is one of a kind. Whether we recognize it in ourselves, each and every one of us have our own thing that men find alluring.
It can different for everyone, but I’m certain that it’s those unique qualities in a woman that shine from within that really make her sexy. Here are a few qualities and traits that I admire and respect in women, and think make her pretty damn sexy:
She has Confidence
Self-confidence is something we don’t just possess. We have to work at developing our sense of “self” and self-purpose; once a woman gets there it is an extremely sexy quality to embody.
It’s about knowing yourself and owning that person.
Personally, it wasn’t until I reached a point in my life where I began to acknowledge and accept my own unique qualities that my self-confidence was able to evolve. These days, I have a firmer understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. By staying true to myself, my sense of “self”, inner-confidence and purpose continues to increase; and the people in my life notice.
Confidence embodies a sense of self-empowerment that is reflected in the way a woman moves and how she carries herself — even on her least confident days she knows how to fake it till she makes it.
A sexy woman questions the “norms” and isn’t afraid to back up her word by stepping out of her comfort zone to try something different. She has plans and dreams, and she creates her own success without tearing others down in the process.
She perseveres through the dips.
She is Witty
Humor is sexy and hers is sharp. There is nothing more attractive than someone who laughs a lot and more importantly, can laugh at themselves.
A sexy woman doesn’t need the latest fashion trends to make her grin; she laughs sincerely and she radiates the good stuff — happiness.
She is Intelligent
Intelligence is magnetic. She understands her strengths and weaknesses and knows how to use them to her advantage. She knows that stretching her limits is the only way she will grow and she is confident in herself when doing so.
Remember the sexy, fashion-obsessed Elle Woods from Legally Blonde who set out to obtain a law degree in an attempt to win back her ex-boyfriend? She figured out there was much more to her than just looks and graduated from Harvard Law with a renewed sense of self-confidence which was ignited by challenging herself in different ways.
All of which enhanced her life more than she could have anticipated.
A sexy woman has a firm understanding of herself — she has a growth and abundant mindset. Whether it be through study or life experiences, she will seek ways to continue learning because she knows that knowledge will enrich her life.
She Exudes Positivity
It is in her energy — she’s light, soulful and a whole lot of spirit. And chances are, just being around her lights you up on the inside — like a big dose of positivity thrown into your day.
My Shamanic Drumming teacher, Bastian, is one of the sexiest women I know and it has nothing to do with how she looks and everything to do with her energy and spirit. Although she is an attractive woman, her stand-out qualities are her personality and aura. This lovely woman shines so bright, that her presence is delightfully infectious— and it’s a quality I admire in her very much.
A woman who shines from the inside knows that life is too short to waste on negativity and that includes miserable people with dreary outlooks.
Sure, she has her bad days like everyone else. And she isn’t always 100% positive all of the time. But she strives to see the positive in the world and surrounds herself with positive people and positive things.
She is a woman who has the ability to see the good in every situation, won’t dwell on thoughts that bring her down (at least not for too long), and she will often leave others feeling inspired.
A sexy woman carries with her an unexpected quality that may encapsulate some of these traits and more. At her core, she’s in touch with her inner-feminine self. She’s magnetic and passionate yet unaware of her appeal; and she is in each and every woman.
This is what I see and admire in every sexy woman who I have encountered.
Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium.
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