How to Spot a Man with Decency

Why women can’t find them and what to look out for.


“Why can’t I find a good man?”

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a woman complain about the lack of “decent” men in today’s world. Some men may have said the same about women.

This observation was made by women who have endured years of getting gipped in some form or fashion by the men they’ve allowed into their lives. Not even for the long-haul variety. Fly-by’s who play on the emotional strings of genuine people who desire commitment.

It appears connection and relationships between men and woman have taken a turn into murky waters in recent times. As if the real meaning of love is lost on most of us.

So, what going on?

Honestly, while I understand where these women are coming from, lack of decency does not only favor men. Far from it. We exist in an accessible, consumer-driven and feasible world where nothing is unattainable in terms of availability and convenience. Even when it comes to our relationships.

Just about everything and anyone is gettable or usable these days.

We can even Tweet to the President. Where is Elvis when you need him?

“Out with the old in with the new”

–  A colloquial English phrase from God knows how long ago.

But surge forth into the future we must! Like all things innovative and cutting-edge, something must give in order to break new ground. Unfortunately, global reachability, online fluffs and puffs, and thrifty convenience has come at a high price on the human-traits scale – it has compromised some of our most vital qualities that constitutes a decent human being.

We’ve sold our soul to the highest bidder on eBay.

Electronics, cars, fashion … toilet paper anyone?

Is it a no wonder that our relationships are suffering in the real world when authentic connection is commonly replaced by a disposable mindset?

Blackballing. Gaslighting. Ghosting. The “Big Chill” that demands we keep cool and pretend like we’re not in it. The Pump and Dump and Smash and Dash. The bed warmer you dis to your friends on social media.

Feelings are a passing moment of uncomfortableness when the next-in-line is in sight. It’s as if love and relationships have become expendable.    

The reason why many women believe that decency is lacking in men today is because not every man has the tenacity, desire or stamina to go the extra mile for love when love is considered a dime a dozen.

Sure, things might be all rosy when we’re in the initial love-cloud stages of a relationship. But when she or he becomes someone real with a real past and real expectations, the option to flip and run is as easy as a swift text message.

“Sorry, baby. You’re getting too deep and it’s not what I’m looking for.”  

– Since when has it been okay to break-up with someone via a text message, anyway?

Since the world became a digital copy of the real. A fact that breeds lower values and stifles integrity, as well as accepting negligent treatment – all of which contributes to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.   

Expectations have never been so low. Neither has the capacity or ambition to evolve through deliberate introspection. A quick glance at some of the comments made on my article, 4 Things Women in Their 40’s Really Want in a Man proves as much.

For those men who instantly became offended at the simple qualities I’d mentioned in that article, I can only assume ignorance on their part. Some of them were unable to understand the difference between women wanting a balanced and authentic connection, and downright criticism.

It’s all in the mindset and maturity level – the ability to set the ego aside long enough to realize that relationships are not a power-play at some online bidding-war.

If you want to discover the magic of real love, you have to be willing to surrender all the way. It’s not about one foot in and one foot out. It’s not about tit-for-tat either. Love can’t survive without putting in your heart – and I don’t mean the cushy emoji you just flicked on her screen.      

Fortunately, some of the comments the article received also shone a positive light on open-minded men who possess the ability to conceive and desire mutually satisfying and respectful relationships with women. Men who not only know what it takes to experience authentic connection, but also realize the importance of real love.

Real love and the ability to connect deeply begins with bringing back decency and desire for commitment. It’s about being honest from the start. If we want to connect – really connect, we have to be willing to cultivate and embody the qualities essential for mature love.

Love rituals are not about roses, chocolates and cute emojis. Love begins from within and soars from the heart; and it starts by being a decent person in your relationships.   

Decency in a relationship is many things. At its core is respect and practicing humane qualities. Decency is recognizing when real love comes calling and honoring the heart.

So, what makes a decent relationship?

Decent people. Mature men and women.

Here are some “decent” characteristics to think about:

Modesty and Humility

Not in the narrowminded way of women’s dress derived from Christianese dialect. I’m talking about the lowkey character traits of humility and humbleness. Modesty is the ability to think of others before yourself, rejecting self-importance and living from the heart space.    

Maturity is usually combined with modesty and humility.

You won’t find this trait in the smart alecks, the overbearing know-it-all’s or the self-appointed saviors. You find it in the unassuming and quiet – the person who realizes the value in silence.

Humility is not a weakness. It’s a strong characteristic worth building on and one of the most important aspects a good relationship should possess because it demonstrates appreciation.

Humbleness between two people shows respect.

Sincerity

Forget the shams and apple-polishing. We all want to know where we stand with the important people in our lives. Truthfully, being a good person is not hard – if you’re not looking for anything more than a fling, be upfront about it. Don’t lead her on and mess with her head when you know her feelings are genuine and she wants more from you.

Be honest about how you feel – whether that’s attempting to force something that’s no longer there or declaring your commitment to the one you adore.

It’s only the decent thing to do …

Tolerance

I have my peculiarities and you have yours. No one sees the world in quite the same way, so why expect that of our lovers?

It is our differences that make for interesting and engaging relationships.   

Tolerance is acceptance and an important component to decency. It’s realizing the imperfections in your mate and knowing she is utterly perfect regardless.

This is love-in-practice. Forgiveness and charity. If you’re unwilling to go there, then carry on – no one is perfect in this world; least of all, you.  

Tolerance is remaining gracious, considerate and courteous even when the pressure is on – and it plays a vital foundation to any true connection.

Wisdom

Qualifying sincerity, humbleness and tolerance with wisdom is the key to making the right decisions at the right time. A decent person with wisdom knows the value in a woman’s love and will strive to honor her heart while guiding the relationship toward a meaningful reality.

Wisdom is …

  • Understanding how the world works and how to make potential change without producing unintended consequences.
  • It’s curiosity and expanding your worldview.
  • It’s acting in ways that are likely to produce the best possible outcomes for everyone involved.
  • It’s having the foresight to know what you need to do to make a potential future a reality.
  • It’s knowing when to say I love you.

In the broadest interpretation, being decent in a relationship means the capacity to be compassionate and love. It choosing to be honest and sincere with your lover, and implies acceptance of the fact that we all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes.

Decency is rejecting equivocation, arrogance and double-talk to make the distinction about what you really want from your lover and then having the virtue to act accordingly. The heart demands decency; and does the person who has given theirs to you.


Originally published by The Good Men Project: Hello, Love on Medium