November 3, 1987
Today was the worst day of my life but strangely it was kind of one of the best at the same time. It wasn’t the best because someone beat up my poor mother. Ace and I found her almost destroyed and I didn’t know what to do; I felt helpless and lost. The part that made it the best I can’t yet really begin to put into words. I felt all control out of my reach when I discovered my mother today, and yet I realize now that I never really lost it to begin with. How can we really lose control of ourselves when all we have in this world is our very own human being, the only sure thing which we can control?Dear Journal,
Maybe, I just heard that whisper within me because I heard and saw something so real to me, I shall never forget it. I’m not sure if it was a part of me or something completely separate, but I know in the deepest part of me, the part that always seems to feel empty and lost, is now feeling a little bit less than empty.
Mum will be ok, Dad told us. He didn’t seem to be too upset by it all. He seemed more concerned with me and Ace than our mother. Just as I feared. It makes me feel sad. Why does it have to be like this? Why do people behave in ways that offer less than love? I ask this not only because I don’t understand but because I just experienced such a pure sensation of love that I don’t know how there can be any other way. And the thing is, I kinda already knew it was always there. I know I sound crazy. I will probably read this back some day and think I had gone completely insane. Maybe not. But for the rest of my life I am going to try my very hardest to live through the pure love I experienced today!
When I was little I would often awake with bad dreams through the night. My Dad would come to my bedside and wrap me up in his big arms and tell me, “Everything is ok my little Millie-pie”. His smell was of Palmolive soap and a slight scent of mint shaving cream; I loved his daddy smell. He made me feel so safe and secure I would drift back into an easy sleep while he stroked my hair.
I’m going to bed now. Feeling lost and found all at the same time, and somehow tonight I am missing the warmth and the comforting smell of my Daddy all those years ago, for those words I cannot yet find. I know I shall find them some day!
Sending love to my Mum in her hospital bed tonight.